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A bit of a dilemma.; Love talk!
Topic Started: Jan 24 2011, 11:51 PM (1,159 Views)
TheHBF
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Mr. iOS

Ok, we're all guys here and I would love to hear some gentlemen advice from all of you. Basically, my dilemma is that a really close friend of mine is now dating my ex. What's wrong with that? Nothing. I'm fine with it and I'm in a happy and healthy relationship of my own. Now the problem here is, that the more he learns about her and her relationship with me, the more it's likely that he will despise me and probably her too. Why, well let's just say that he is a very religious person, one of the rare "I will wait until marriage to have sex" type guys out there, and lets just say that me and my ex did stuff that will go against his beliefs. A lot of it. I feel like I betrayed him, well me and my ex did because all these time he thought we're religious like him, that we wouldn't fornicate. He's a very important friend to me and I'm pretty sure, knowing my ex, she will tell it all to him and I really don't know what to do when he confronts me because he's almost a brother to me. Any thoughts from you all out there?
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KingJames88
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That's a tough one, maybe you can explain to him your not as religious as him but still religious in your own way, and didn't want to press your way of thinking on to him, so never really brought it up. I don't think it's a good idea and go the dishonest way and get your ex to keep quiet about everything, as that can only backfire. Maybe try to get to him before she does and explain things the best you can, as it might be better this way than for her to just bring something up one day and totally catch him off guard.
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TheHBF
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Mr. iOS

I've thought of that already, but I really feel it's not my place to tell it. After all, me and the girl broke off badly, really bad and I think doing so will just give her the wrong impression that I'm ruining her relationship with him. Psh, I don't know. She has a reputation of being a super Christian too, as a matter of fact thats the reason why I started dating her back then, because I thought she's this sweet innocent church girl. I really want to stay out of her life but at the same time, I want to save a friendship.
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KingJames88
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I didn't mean necessarily tell him about her, just you. If you can somehow bring it up that your not as religious as him, that might help. If he finds out about her on his own, then that's nothing to do with you, and you didn't interfere at all in her life.
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ArmLegGamer
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I'll just go ahead and say that I'm one of these "very religious" people, but I realize that the rest of the world doesn't make the same choices as me, including a lot of my close friends. I think KingJames has some really good advice, letting him know that you're not religious in the same way as he is could probably help. Honestly, though, I think that it would have been easier if you had told him that you weren't that religious earlier on, when you had realized that he thought you had that belief, too. Now that he's thought about you in this way for a while, it might be harder to reveal the truth then if you had told him earlier. I think everything will work out fine as long as you're honest with him, though.
Edited by ArmLegGamer, Jan 25 2011, 12:48 AM.
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TheHBF
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Mr. iOS

The thing is, I was genuine about the religion before I started dating her. I'm not saying it's her fault but our relationship just went to the direction, well mostly because of her. I wouldn't have done it if it was my sole decision, but at that time I just went along with. Of course, it's my fault too, but yeah. I really can't do much to change it.
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ArmLegGamer
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Hmm... Really the best advice I can give you is what KingJames and I have already said. Just be honest with him, and hopefully he'll understand. I really wish I could help you more, but I'm still only 15, and not too experienced with life.
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browland1
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I think ArmLegGamer nailed it when he said that religion for him is a choice but he can't expect others to make the same choices. At the end of the day, your friend being religious and imbued with these beliefs doesn't put any onus on you to follow the same path, so you did nothing wrong to either him or his religious sensitivities by engaging in, what I would liberally consider to be, normal conduct for a couple. At the end of the day, he's your friend and as such he should respect the fact that you don't adhere to the same practices that he does. If he would judge you based on this alone and the fact that you had sex before marriage would negate all that you have between the two of you, I'm sorry to say that he's not much of a friend.

I've always viewed abstinence is a practice rather than a belief. People interpret religions different and as such follow different conventions, so having engaged in sexual congress with someone you were committed to at the time doesn't automatically make you a heathen or a heretic. I'm sure you are still religious and spiritual in your own way and that should be good enough for your friend. You are not accountable in any way to him and what happened between you and your ex is exactly that - between the two of you. As your friend, he should understand and respect that.

Sorry for rambling but I happen to be very opinionated about this topic. I think your friend is deeply religious and he lives his life accordingly, but as your friend he should be tolerant and open-minded if you decide to take a different path. Unless you engaged in something destructive or criminal, I don't think he should be in a position to judge. If he's reasonable, I hope he'll see it the same way, but as others have said, be honest with him and don't be apologetic or equivocal about it - you've done nothing wrong.
Edited by browland1, Jan 25 2011, 01:36 AM.
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KingJames88
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O yea I forgot all about that. He's a christian, he's supposed to be nice and accept you for who you are, as well as appreciate your honesty. You are in the clear now, and if he gets upset, just remind him to be a good christian. :)
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Jonny Justice
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Whether he likes it or not, it's the 2000's, and people are pretty active in the sex department nowadays. I'm hard pressed to find someone other than myself who is a virgin, so he has to just accept that it happens. Either way, I hope it all works out well.
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Andsy
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Both Christianity and having sex before marriages are a lifestyle choice.

Neither can be considered right, neither can be considered wrong.

He gets all judgemental, start reminding him about "he without sin can cast the first stone". While he's transfixed with the story, crack him in the nuts and tell him to stop being a bitch and deal with it.

Also, sloppy seconds. lol.
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CaptainKicker
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Tell him, that he miss out on some great stuff.

But seriously, be honest if he is important to you. That's the only right thing to do.
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Creater521
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Wow bro, you got your self in a sticky situation there.
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EuropeanGamer
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Jan 25 2011, 10:32 PM
Wow bro, you got your self in a sticky situation there.
More pointless drivel

If i was in your shoes hbf i would tell him and as andsy says he gets all judgemental say its my choice and he will hopefully respect your descion and if he is a true friend he wont put you under scrutiny

but come on no sex before marriage is a dying tradition and a very small minority stay true to that side of there faith.
Edited by EuropeanGamer, Jan 26 2011, 01:14 PM.
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Golden_Age_Gamer
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Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
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ArmLegGamer
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Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 26 2011, 01:40 PM
Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
I don't know about you, but usually lying and hiding the truth just digs me into a hole. If I'm already in one, it digs me down deeper. This may sound cheesy, but I think honesty is always the best choice.
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browland1
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I agree. The bigger the lie, the harder it is to cover it up and it will likely bite you harder than telling the truth would have. That's just me, though. If it's a simple white lie that carries little consequence, then i'm fine with that, but a big lie Would be harder.
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Golden_Age_Gamer
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ArmLegGamer
Jan 26 2011, 06:47 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 26 2011, 01:40 PM
Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
I don't know about you, but usually lying and hiding the truth just digs me into a hole. If I'm already in one, it digs me down deeper. This may sound cheesy, but I think honesty is always the best choice.
He's acting like a super emo virgin x 3. I thought they were non existent. And either way he's gonna be mad. He has no right asking you or her about the past. Tell him mind his business.
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TheHBF
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Mr. iOS

First of all, thanks you guys for the advices. You know what the weird thing is, since they started dating, me and him are a lot more closer. And, it's not him asking about it that I'm worried about, because I'm sure he wont ask her for he sees her as this Christian girl who will never do that in the first place. It's her that I'm worried about, she's the kind of girl that tells her boyfriend everything. I was a bit choked out myself when I found out about her past.

You guys are right in one thing, maybe I do have to tell him that I made different choices in my life. It sucks, and it's awkward that he's dating her. Everytime I'm with him, I can always feel the white elephant between us. I could careless about their relationship, it's the secrets that will affect a good friendship I'm worried about.
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Andsy
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I'm surprised that you're taking this so well.

It's a douche move to date a mates ex. It's an unwritten rule.

To go after your previous conquests and then if he did attempt to bitch you out about it, would be the height of douchery, and I'd personally have a bit of a problem with that.
VSigma100: If I've learned anything on here it's that Andsy is a crazy bastard. LOL.
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Golden_Age_Gamer
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Exactly "It's a douche move to date a mates ex. It's an unwritten rule."

And @TheHBF make sure she shuts up than.
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ArmLegGamer
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Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 27 2011, 01:40 AM
ArmLegGamer
Jan 26 2011, 06:47 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 26 2011, 01:40 PM
Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
I don't know about you, but usually lying and hiding the truth just digs me into a hole. If I'm already in one, it digs me down deeper. This may sound cheesy, but I think honesty is always the best choice.
He's acting like a super emo virgin x 3. I thought they were non existent. And either way he's gonna be mad. He has no right asking you or her about the past. Tell him mind his business.
True, he'll probably be mad either way. But do you honestly think he'll have the same amount of anger no matter what? If my friend did something that he knew I wouldn't like and then was honest with me, I'd be a lot less mad than if he hid it from me and lied to me about it.
Edited by ArmLegGamer, Jan 27 2011, 09:19 PM.
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Golden_Age_Gamer
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ArmLegGamer
Jan 27 2011, 09:18 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 27 2011, 01:40 AM
ArmLegGamer
Jan 26 2011, 06:47 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 26 2011, 01:40 PM
Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
I don't know about you, but usually lying and hiding the truth just digs me into a hole. If I'm already in one, it digs me down deeper. This may sound cheesy, but I think honesty is always the best choice.
He's acting like a super emo virgin x 3. I thought they were non existent. And either way he's gonna be mad. He has no right asking you or her about the past. Tell him mind his business.
True, he'll probably be mad either way. But do you honestly think he'll have the same amount of anger no matter what? If my friend did something that he knew I wouldn't like and then was honest with me, I'd be a lot less mad than if he hid it from me and lied to me about it.
To be honest, when he gets his taste of pussy he'll forget about asking lol. And I wouldn't say he lied. He just didn't say what they did. Which is the right thing to do. And his friend is a sleaze ball for dating his ex.
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J-Maestro
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Andsy
Jan 27 2011, 02:10 AM
I'm surprised that you're taking this so well.

It's a douche move to date a mates ex. It's an unwritten rule.

To go after your previous conquests and then if he did attempt to bitch you out about it, would be the height of douchery, and I'd personally have a bit of a problem with that.
This, going out with mates ex's is always a no go.

Also that why would want your mates sloppy seconds?
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ArmLegGamer
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Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 28 2011, 12:11 PM
ArmLegGamer
Jan 27 2011, 09:18 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 27 2011, 01:40 AM
ArmLegGamer
Jan 26 2011, 06:47 PM
Golden_Age_Gamer
Jan 26 2011, 01:40 PM
Who gives a damn? It's your EX! First of all, he shouldn't be asking questions about you 2 at all. You might as well wait until he asks you something and you tell him "Dude, focus on her, and not me. We're both men. Me and her were the past, and you're my best friend" Don't tell his ass nothing.
I don't know about you, but usually lying and hiding the truth just digs me into a hole. If I'm already in one, it digs me down deeper. This may sound cheesy, but I think honesty is always the best choice.
He's acting like a super emo virgin x 3. I thought they were non existent. And either way he's gonna be mad. He has no right asking you or her about the past. Tell him mind his business.
True, he'll probably be mad either way. But do you honestly think he'll have the same amount of anger no matter what? If my friend did something that he knew I wouldn't like and then was honest with me, I'd be a lot less mad than if he hid it from me and lied to me about it.
To be honest, when he gets his taste of pussy he'll forget about asking lol. And I wouldn't say he lied. He just didn't say what they did. Which is the right thing to do. And his friend is a sleaze ball for dating his ex.
...Alright, I'm just gonna stop arguing with you. It's obvious that you're just gonna keep fighting back because you want to win. Not to mention, you're being awfully ignorant.
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